
Here we are, on the cusp of another Mother’s Day where you will honor the woman who gained 35-50 pounds for you, suffered through a horrifying case of edema, labored 3-24 hours before ultimately have a C-section (okay, maybe that was just me) only to be rewarded with a bladder so weak she can never sneeze or laugh in public again. She thanks you for all that.
So on this one day, ONE DAY of the year where it is all about her, Good Enough Mother would like to lay down a few ground rules. For clarity, ease and convenience I will do them by family member.
Dear Husband/Significant Other: Thanks for the offer but no I would NOT like you and the kids to take me out to eat. Why you ask? Because you will get to eat first while I am stuck selling my soul and/or doing lap dances for other diners because in the entire restaurant, the hostess sat us at the only table with an empty ketchup bottle. The soda fountain machine has run out of carbonation and there are only two crayons for our children to use on their kiddie menus, yellow and brown (what fun is that?).
What I WOULD like is for you to TAKE the kids out to eat sans the woman who birthed them. Before you go, please swing by House of Pizza for a large, pepperoni pie and a liter of diet Coke. Could you also make sure the phone is nearby so I don’t have to remove the cucumbers from my eyes to answer it? P.S., I will not pick up if you call, asking me to tell the kids to eat their food. It’s all on you, man.
Oldest child: You are the one who started it all and I say that in only the nicest way. Mommy’s foot grew an entire half size for you and no it did not go back to the way it was before. Neither did her boobs or her bladder. Nonetheless, she loves you way more than you could ever imagine. She has this request of you.
On this day, could you please stay in the shower more than the usual 72 seconds and actually USE the soap? Drag the deodorant across your pits too. Love you.
Second child: Once the pain of birthing your brother/sister wore off, mommy did a very smart thing by having you. Her boobs and bladder were already shot to hell so you didn’t do too much damaged there. In fact, you HELPED mommy to realize that the less weight she gained meant the less she would have to take off. See there, you little smarty.
I ask this of you. No fighting over the front seat. Daddy is as old and feeble as mommy and he barely remembers your names, much less who sat in the front seat last. Just do him a favor and give that tired, old argument a rest.
Dog: My steady companion and the only one in this entire house who is genuinely happy to see me in the morning. I appreciate that. What I don’t dig is when you roll in poop. And it gets under your collar. And embedded in your fur. Could we cool it on that for mommy’s special day?
Cat(s): I know you won’t listen to me at all so this is something of an exercise in futility. But just this once, in your post meal exercise/craziness, you know before you pass out for 17 hours, how about just this once, not chasing each other around and hanging on every screen in the living room? I know I am pushing my luck, but if you could poop INSIDE the litter box instead of ON the side, that too, would be greatly appreciated. I know, picky, picky.
So there you have it. It doesn’t take expensive jewelry or flowers to make mom happy. Just a couple of simple requests and even if you cannot abide by them all, the fact that you will try makes me happy.
NOW GET LOST.. kidding.. sort of
Xoxo Mom